Thank you to my Old Favorite Song

Long road trip

song comes on

"This used to be my favorite"

Some, I skip immediately-- best not to think of you at all.

Others, I let them play:

I'll hum along,

soft sad smile, because I remember when I used to know all the words

I just don't anymore.

Some, I'll crank up, we reconnect--

you are still a great song!

Lately, I feel like I've been searching for some lost favorite song from the past,

I don't know if it's the song I miss or the feeling,

all I know is it feels like something is missing,

but I've forgotten all the words, and how it goes, and I don't know if I'll even like it or recognize it when I find it.

Maybe you don't know this, but

when a friend drops your heart,

it's worse than when a lover does the same.

The pieces are heavier somehow,

they feel impossible to put back together.

Ex friendships are the blue sky in a puzzle,

where ex loves are the grass.

You don't know this, but

I have to skip that song that was your favorite

It's not because I hate you, or even because it reminds me of you, no--

I skip it for the person I have never known, never met

Your young friend, gone too soon.

You don't know this, but I still always pray for him,

and I still always pray for you. (1.0)

My crocs exactly as you left them,

I like what you chose for me.

You saw my potential like no one else,

and I see yours.

Maybe they won't believe me,

my friends might be upset...

I think you were the most important pit stop

on this crazy journey of life. (1.1)

On my detour off the road,

with you I stopped for lunch

Pulled over on the way,

I was hungry

I was frustrated (most of the time)

but I got a Greek salad

--it wasn't very good -- Good for me,

I needed it to feel like myself again. (1.2)

I wish you would have taken a small piece of my heart when you left--

I would be fine without it,

I'd be happy for you to have it

if it meant you could remember what it means to be loved--

what my heart somehow still believes in, you could use a little of--

and you probably don't know this, but

I only wish I'd loved you better,

if only for the short time we were

together not together together not together again. (1.3)

and I think you'll find a new song eventually,

one that makes you happy and not sad,

and I will be happy for you with my whole heart. (1.4)

And sometimes a song I liked long ago comes on,

just to make me smile

I don't love it now,

but I loved it once, and

I remember why I did.

Last week a man smoked cigarettes

--I don't like the smell of cigarettes--

They smelled bittersweet somehow,

the bittersweet that tastes so good, and I remembered it

Sixth grade,

Every Friday,

your Cul-de-sac basement

movies from family video

pizza, popcorn, candy

we weren't starving at all!

We'd make music videos after a football game

spent selling donuts under the scoreboard, talking about boys

And in the summer, swimming in your pool at night,

out where your dad or brother would go to smoke-

it must have been the same cigarette (2.1)

You don't know this, but

your number is forever etched in my heart

I called you more than my grandparents;

speed dial number five on my heart

So I wonder, if I called, would you pick up,

what would we talk about?

I think I'd let you know that I've still never finished Titanic,

not after we both fell asleep, both times, with it on. (2.2)

Do you remember that your favorite song in eighth grade was Halo,

when mine was Daylight?

Remember when we were best friends? (3.0)

I bet you wouldn't think so, but

Your name comes up at my dinnertable sometimes.

By happenstance, you met my dog before I did--

you needed a ride home that day.

You don't know this, but she died, about a year ago.

And you might remember this part:

you and Mom share the birthday!

So she remembers you at least once a year, and so do I. (3.1)

You don't know this

-- I blocked you--

but you occasionally still come to mind

I walk to dinner, hair sopping wet,

and I remember that you used to hold it up for me. That was nice.

And I chuckle and roll my eyes when I have to change a tire

on our second date we changed all four of yours in the dark, in the rain,

but it was fun, and we did it again a few months later.

But the weekend I had a flat, you weren't there, so I had to do it on my own.

And I hope, if I ever witness an accident,

that I am with a man who leads me across the street to check if they are ok. (4.0)

Our hearts were different

sizes, shapes, colors,

but they were both soft,

so we still tried,

and it was good for a while,

but we lost it. (4.1)

A detour in the sunset

beautiful, I was starving

you were wonderful, in the wrong direction, I was not myself

I loved you, thought you were wasted time

I'd forgotten the part where the sun went down

At dusk, I fell apart

It could have been on a busy highway

but instead, on a backroad with you

I fell apart.

On a detour I wasn't meant to take,

maybe you kept me from catastrophe

As I put myself back together in the dark,

you held the flashlight,

I was afraid of the dark but I trusted you to protect me,

with you there, flashlight-holder, it wasn't scary at all, because we weren't in the dark.

And although we were lost,

of course, something was found--

I am still afraid of the dark,

but you gently reminded me that I know how to hold a flashlight, too--

and I think that's why it hurt so much, to see you go:

in the end, you left me better than you found me. (4.2)

I bet you don't know this, but

I'm always checking that my playlists are private

You teased me about mine,

not knowing it was everything to me

not knowing you were breaking and entering into my heart and soul,

and that I wasn't ready for that. (5.0)

But still, I remember the time we went bowling

that other girl had broken your heart once again,

and it was the best night

we screamed in my truck, the most I'd ever heard your voice,

--and you were horrible--

and it was my favorite night to think about,

a certainty on my highlight reel of life.

And I hope you're happy and healthy,

but mainly I hope you never meet another dog as racist as mine;

you should know that now, she rests under the big oak tree at the top of the hill-- you are safe. (5.1)

I bet you don't know this, but

when I think of you, my heart plummets and pounds all at once.

All I ever wanted, you were a race

Flying down the hill a block from the station

you hit the brakes

a box of skittles hit the dash

--where'd that come from?--

you distracted me,

left on red- I broke the law

It was me that slammed on the brakes,

but only after you'd dropped out of the race

You wanted back in, later, but I'd already slowed down

the rush was over, just like us. (6.0)

Friends, we tried

--there is no try--

I could never catch up to you,

but then, I didn't really want to, did I?

I just wonder, again and again,

If only I'd been there,

If only we had never dated and you still trusted me, (6.1)

Today, would you be a rocket scientist? (6.2)

We are still friends even though

you don't want me to know you anymore

I don't think you know this, but

there was this night, this horrid night:

it was good til it wasn't, and my friends had to carry me

up the hill to the hotel, I was sobbing in the streets,

crying over and over and over,

"I don't want to do this again." (7.0)

You only know about that day I drove your car

1pm on some arctic Tuesday

you threw tissues out the window

onto the streets while you sobbed,

crying over and over and over again,

"this isn't fun anymore." (7.1)

You push me away like I push God away

when all He wants to do is love me,

and I hope with all my heart, you let Him love you

because even more than I want to know you,

I want you to let Him know you,

even when you don't want anyone to know you anymore,

We do know you, and we want to.

We know you, and we love you anyway. (7.2)

With almost an identical music taste to mine

I thought he was the one.

So many songs for such a short time

Somehow, only two still remind me of him

two songs, meant to be happy,

an elephant straight to my chest

We were perfect, not meant to be (10.0)

I guess I was his healthy lunch

his most important pit stop

I wonder what he thinks of me,

if he ever even does--

I think he must not, because it would hurt too much--

but I wonder, if a song came on,

if I came to mind, would he skip it? Yes.

I knew it hurt him when he hurt me,

but it ended up okay, because

where our playlist used to stand at the top,

now stands his wedding playlist:

his detour with me led him straight to his final destination. (10.1)

And his wife posts pictures of their beautiful little family,

and I am soul-crushingly happy for him,

which he will never know (and doesn't need to).

And he doesn't know this either, but

I haven't loved the same since him

I don't know if I'm afraid, or unable to

and I think I almost did once, but you disappeared, so we'll never know.

But I'm afraid when he saw my heart shattered on the floor,

when he dropped his at the sight of mine,

when he tried to clean it up, handing me the pieces,

I think a little of mine stayed there, that sad pile on the floor, lost forever,

just like my favorite book that I gave you,

three words handwritten on a page towards the beginning. (10.2)

There are new favorite songs, with pink hair or ping pong in the basement,

and there are old favorite songs, forgotten like a detour taken long ago, that led me here.

And then there are the songs that never get old:

steady, constant, beloved,

Like big, orange road signs leading me forward.

They held me while I cried in the dark,

on the train,

in the streets,

in the hotel,

in the bathroom,

on the phone.

The ones that kept me at school when I never thought I'd make it.

The ones that go days or weeks before answering a call or text,

but I am not worried,

because I know they are there

they love me,

they will answer.

The ones that know me, and love me anyway. (11)

1.0 GIVE HEAVEN SOME HELL

1.1 More Surprised Than Me

1.2 Bang!

1.3 my ex's best friend

1.4 HAPPY LIFE

2.0 What Makes You Beautiful

2.1 Live While We're Young

3.0 Halo

3.1 Daylight

4.0 Mr. Roboto

4.1 But We Lost It

4.2 King of My Heart

5.0 Consequences

5.1 ROAR

6.0 Shut Up and Dance

6.1 Rhythm of Love

6.2 Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)

7.0 Innocent

7.1 Mess

7.2 Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

10.0 We'll Pick Up Where We Left Off

10.1 Tear in My Heart

10.2 Die From a Broken Heart

11.0 Lola Montez. Christmas songs on Northern Blvd in the middle of summer. That burnt CD my grandparents gave me. Cooler Than Me. All the Small Things. driver's license / Skin.