train without a destination

There's a big scar across my back

it looks worse than it is

Running in the yellow house,

hit a corner and

it never even bled.

The corner stays there, and

if you run past too many times,

you're bound to get too close, get scratched

Big scar across my heart,

looks way worse than it felt

it didn't bleed, but it still hurts

and just like the one on my back,

I know this one won't fade away.

Still don't know why I trusted you

definitely can't tell why you trusted me

Like some key I found with no lock to open,

I thought I'd try you anyway

both of us surprised when we fit together,

and you started talking...

So when I leaned in to hug you,

I felt like you needed more

so I wouldn't let go even when you tried to

and maybe that's when it started,

head on your shoulders, eyes closed,

sitting in the dirt, not even friends.

Or maybe it was before that, when I told you to come sit by me

but don't forget, it was you that touched me first

when I was about to sing,

hands on my shoulders - maybe it was you that started this after all.

And when you mentioned that song,

there's no way you didn't want to sing it

and maybe you already knew how stubborn I’d be,

you knew I'd get you up onstage with me

when you suggest a duet, there's really only one option

but you acted like you weren't going to sing.

And you know I didn't like you at first-

you know because I told you-

and that night I went home and texted someone else I missed

and gosh,

now I hardly remember who I was back then.

and while I told you that I didn't like you,

I didn't explain the feeling I got at first when I met you:

a sinking, sickening feeling:

"stay away from him"

and intuition is hardly ever wrong: always trust it.

But now I wonder if that feeling was just me seeing the future,

that you would be a problem for me because maybe really I did like you,

and to fight it I searched for anything I couldn't stand.

Teens in a driver's ed car,

both of our feet on the brakes

but each look between us eased us up a little,

at least until someone assumed that we were together

every night, at least once

and each time, I'd slam the brakes again.

I didn't want to play pool.

I don't like pool.

But I guess I was too bored,

thought I'd try it again

Remember, I shouted at you when you came over to help teach me

I didn't want you to teach me.

How fitting that I caved,

I played,

and you turned out to be the best teacher.

I learned to like pool while I learned to like you,

I got good and got addicted

and how sad is it that now,

you and pool belong in the same sentence,

forever.

I told you nearly everything there was to tell,

and most of it I told you more than twice.

Like a childhood best friend,

you just let me talk and talk about the same thing forever.

And I regret only that I don't entirely remember.

I wish I could recollect every single word you ever said to me, but I can't.

For that, I am so sorry.

In the hallway once, we ran into each other

"we'll dance later" you'd joked.

I'd heard you say it before -- both times it was funny.

But in the end we really did dance, didn't we?

On a tightrope,

With our hands tied

With the devil above the flames

and we were foolish to think we wouldn't fall, wouldn't burn

I talked about an old friend

-- we aren't friends anymore --

I told you how we both had wanted to date,

but we knew we weren't what we needed, so we didn't

and that's the night I knew your foot was off the brake for sure.

no going back.

I tried to keep mine there on the brake

but you knew too much

an open book, lots of people know my story

but no one read the margins before

and you read my words,

you even let me read them to you

fearless with you, it was something I always wanted to do

but I've always been a little afraid,

and I've never really had the opportunity

but I read what I wrote and you thought it was good

and I wonder what was easier,

reading or listening,

because the cracks in my voice and the smile on my face and the tears in my eyes

maybe added something, but maybe made it harder to listen

I don't know if you were watching me or if you heard every word or if you would've gotten more if you'd just read it yourself,

but I don't care because I wanted to read it to you and you let me.

Thank you.

Remember that night in the truck,

like a kid in the backseat,

I only wanted my window down

you fought me from the passenger seat,

and I liked it, so I kept doing it--

seems we both needed a hand to hold.

and your vape of course,

I only wanted to take from you for a little more attention

and a little chance to touch your hand

When you looked at me across the table once

eyes wide, "stop!"

I still don't know what I did,

but I know that I liked that,

because at once I knew

what I'd been trying so hard to ignore really did exist after all.

A stupid elephant that you refused to ignore,

I still tried to stay pressed hard on the brake

and you asked me why,

so I reached for your hand as I hesitated to let off,

and the woven metal on your hand burned mine

(it burned every time, I don't think you noticed)

and that's when you explained.

How could something be so fully on both of us?

Much easier when there's is one to blame,

even if only a little more than the other

but teens in a driver's ed car,

100% on both of us --

two brakes --

only one of us had to press it

but we both let up and hopped in another car.

Hands in hands,

could have stayed there all night

Honestly, not sure why we didn't

afraid of the gas pedal,

we just waited together

and it might have been better than the drive, to be honest

maybe we should have just stayed there forever.

And how fitting,

I didn't know what you meant

I had to ask-

"no strings attached"

but that isn't how it went, is it?

I drove

waited for you to say go

through a sunset on a beach,

we showed up late but just in time

and once my foot touched the gas,

like a dream

suddenly we were on a runaway train

A train bound for nowhere

no destination, no place to stop

just a journey to disaster

full steam ahead for an adventure

for a little bit of fun and a lot of care to give

we were running out of time and getting reckless

I think I noticed before you did,

or maybe you refused to admit it

"no strings attached"

but a song reminded you of me

-- strings attached --

It's really more like my old DVD player

the cords to plug in

red, yellow, white

but the red never worked quite right,

it needed a little more to get it to work

so if yellow is the body

and white is the soul

then love is a decision that we can't plug in

because the red one is the future:

but we hopped onto a train with no destination.

We really were playing with fire from the start

but fire is good, and fire is warm,

and being with you was like cold feet on the fireplace hearth after a fun day in the snow

with my cheeks getting red,

and I don't want to move even when I'm getting too warm,

never want to leave the warm fire, no matter how late and how warm I already am.

And looking in your eyes stirred glowing embers in my heart

always warming me up,

I could never look away,

I didn't want to

And love is a decision,

but the just-before-love is something else

like staring into the ocean for the second first time

when you know it will refresh you,

relax you,

and you could drown but you probably won't

and a shark could come but it probably won't

and the ocean is blue as the sky

and it's all you can do to not jump in when it's pulling you like gravity

As a kid, I fell into a pool, but someone saved me

and it turns out I didn't fall at all.

I jumped.

I never could resist it. I'm sorry.

On your last night, we sang again

when I finally admitted that our plan hadn't worked

-- strings attached--

so you agreed, for the third time

and we fueled the flames, and

a storm on the almost-love ocean raged

Then, for some reason,

granted a little more time.

It really was all like a movie, and

the audience needed a real goodbye.

Embers glowing so perfectly in your eyes

the night couldn't have been more like a fairytale

When I wished only to see you a little better,

there were fireworks - how unexpected?

and arms on your shoulders,

eyes into eyes,

we sat in the sand and together feeling sad and lonely for tomorrow

smiling at each other until the glass ran out of sand

So the fireplace blazed out of control,

and the storm raged, and we let it

the time was nearing, we'd have to jump from the train

and we jumped,

opposite sides of the tracks,

and it crashed - we had stayed too long

and now trapped in the wreckage,

opposite sides of the tracks,

we can't help each other

so I'll burn with the house,

you'll go down with the ship

because when that red cable doesn't work,

it just sucks.

a movie that we paid for,

to have to watch it without sound

or listen to it without visual,

it just sucks,

so like teens in the basement

so we won't finish the movie,

there's no happy end here

and the flames will die down

the storm will pass

but the embers still glowing

even when they look dead on the outside

all they need is a little stir and it will warm me again, even though it will burn.

and we won't text each other

-- that would be breaking the rules --

until someone else texts the group chat,

and we use it as an excuse

to hear from each other

but then we can't stop

in dangerous territory,

we can't escape it even though now it's just a memory

dangerous territory that we turned into a home

we don't want to forget, don't want to move on

homesick for each other, it hurts more than we thought.

and I guess that's just what happens when you dance with the devil

when you play with fire on a slippery slope

I didn't think you'd understand me,

nobody does

but you read the margins and you listened to me,

and you stayed, after all that

and now here we are

embers in fireplaces, too far from each other

and texts stir the coals

bad idea

stop!

opposite sides of the tracks, in the wreckage,

a daydream will worsen the blow

after all, the higher the high, the lower the low

and I wonder what happens in your daydreams,

if you let them come

I wonder if it's the one that I refuse to allow

the what if what if what if of another life

but it doesn't work like that,

so it simply isn't worth the thought

because every single decision I made put me here,

and every single decision you made put you here.

and where our lines intersect into a trainwreck—

that on its own is incredibly tragic

or maybe tragically incredible, I can't decide—

and in another life it would have been just the same,

but maybe I was your secretary

and the secret of us is the same -

incredibly tragic, tragically incredible

and I feel like I'm in hiding and I want to go home,

I have to hide away the shirt from you

and a rose hides in my closet every day

and a post it hides inside my laptop

and my journal hides under my blankets, even though I would never write your name

and a secret hides within me

and in my daydreams I try to focus on something else,

so I try to make a list of things I never told you

like about the woman who really taught me to write (gone now)

or about how I like the orange juice with the pulp

and I thought this might be the best thing I've ever written

even if it only makes sense to two people in this world

even if it only occasionally rhymes,

only sometimes has some sort of rhythm,

but it's fearlessly written for you,

Because there's only one thing I'm afraid of

because I was fearless when I talked to you

and fearless when I sang with you

and fearless in the backseat of the truck with you

because it was all crashing into a tragic, boring end.

Ms. White told me I was never good at conclusions -

a problem I never found a way to fix -

but she told me the rest of my writing was good,

and an abrupt ending was better than a bad one.

So she said that when I run out of things to say,

"Just Stop Writing!"

but I had a dream last night

and I woke up in a cold sweat

I dreamed that I was writing this,

I still had more to say

but I had to stop writing for some reason, and it was over

I had more on my mind but I didn't know how to say it,

and it haunts me now

even though, like us, this has to come to an end at some point,

even though my thoughts won't stop

so like a train without a destination