Wondering (intro)

The summer between my junior and senior year of high school, I went to a week-long Catholic camp that I didn’t want to go to.

It ended up being extremely fruitful and an important… start? middle? to my faith journey, and it was really the first thing that made me wholeheartedly believe in Catholicism.

When I say wholeheartedly here, I mean this: at the time, it was the first time I wholeheartedly believed it. Now, it feels like I must not have wholeheartedly believed it then, because there have been more recent times where I’ve felt, “wow, NOW I wholeheartedly believe in this.” I do hope this continues to happen throughout my life, and that my faith continues to get deeper and deeper and I cannot believe that I previously thought my shallow faith was “wholehearted.”

Anyways, at the end of the weeklong camp, we sat around a big table while one of the leaders (a seminarian) pointed out something beautiful that he noticed in each of us during our time there. I was near the end of the list, and I was really excited to hear what he would say about me. He gave each person an incredible compliment, and I couldn’t wait to hear mine.

When it was my turn, he told me something I had never heard said about me before, and I didn’t quite understand. He described me as being “full of wonder.” I remember that I felt a bit let down, and I spoke to him afterward to try to better understand what he was talking about. He explained that he had noticed that each time I learned something new, whether it was about our faith, or about someone I met, or about art or music, it was like I was genuinely amazed. Full of wonder.

I still didn’t get it. Isn’t everyone amazed when they learn something new, something amazing?

I forgot about this conversation for a long time, and I think for a long time my sense of wonder was covered by some storm cloud called kings point. But a little wonder still remained, and the only thing I truly found wonderful were people I met at school.

When I went to the Holy Land in the summer of 2023, just after graduating college, it was the first time in years that I felt like myself again. I had long felt like the old me was gone, never to be seen again, and that this was just a part of growing up. But in Israel, the storm cloud disappeared. I was learning new things every day, praying fervently every day, and meeting wonderful new people. I not only remembered what it used to feel like to be the old me, but I really felt like her again.

I was afraid that when I went back home, she would be gone, and my sense of wonder and joy would go away too. But thankfully, it was like I had factory-reset, and the old me was back for good (hopefully).

In the Holy Land, I finally understood what Jon meant when he said I was full of wonder. And I know that it’s true, and I like it about myself. I’m sure there are other people who wonder about things the same way that I do, but I realize now that it must not be everybody. If everyone saw things the way I do, simply looking at the night sky would heal everyone’s wounds.

It is often tiring, because I wondering about all the wrong things, and I wish I could just lock those things away. I am tired of wondering about all the same things from my past, over and over again, and I wish that instead, I could always wonder the way I do when I’m looking out the airplane window.

I wish I could catch up with all the things I wonder about, and write them all down, but most of the time they slip away and I may never think of them again. But now I am going to try to write down the most wonderful things, and the things that fill me with the most wonder, good or bad. I hope you find them interesting, and I hope you’ll let me know if you find the same things wonderful, or if there are other things that fill you with this same wonder.